| How do I respond when I see harassment? | Learn the 5Ds and be an active bystander. |
One of the worst feelings in the world is when you see something terrible happening and don’t know what to do. You freeze up, run away, or lose your cool. When we don’t know what else to do, we humans instinctively respond with fight, flight, or freeze. Those are normal and natural reactions … but they don’t feel great. You may ask, how do I prepare in advance? Luckily, bystander training exists – and can help prepare you and your organization when harassment ensues.
If you really want to rise in a difficult moment, you don’t need to be a heroic character. You don’t need a flash of inspiration or brilliance or luck. You just need preparation. A few basic skills. Practice.
We are tested in a crisis, but we develop our skills and abilities in calmer moments. Bystander training steps into this gap with the help of people who are willing to share their knowledge and experience.
One of the best examples of bystander training is the Right to Be program, which develops skills to respond to harassment.
Witnessing harassment can lead to one of those uh-oh moments. You want to do something, but don’t know what to do. Instead of being helpful, you freeze up or look away.
Right to Be walks you through different examples of harassment and provides a set of clear options for responding (the 5Ds). Their free bystander trainings is delivered online and provide opportunities for anyone who wants to build skills to draw on in a difficult moment. (You can see their calendar of free trainings and register on the organization’s website.)
Preparing for the future generally involves familiarizing yourself with key concepts – knowing how to identify and name a problem, for example. It involves developing a few specific skills to make it through the situation, and practicing them so your actions feel like second nature.
It sounds obvious, but most of us would prefer those difficult moments never come – that difficult conversations don’t need to be had, that conflicts can be avoided, and so on. But as advocates for social change, we can’t let fear hold us back. We can’t avoid difficult topics, or sit by in difficult moments.
Happily, once we figure out how we want to act, create a plan, and rehearse, challenges that seem overwhelming start to look a lot more doable.
Let’s use Right to Be’s model as an example.
Who are you? Who do you want to be? Feeling grounded in your role and your goal is the first step.
The Right to Be model even labels it: You are a bystander. A “bystander” is someone who observes a situation. You aren’t doing the harassing and you aren’t the victim; you just happen to be nearby or witness it happening.
An active bystander (aka an “upstander”) is someone who acts on behalf of the person being harassed. This is who you want to be. This is your goal.
How do you want to behave? What are some things you could do that will help? It’s good to have some different options.
“The 5Ds of Bystander Intervention” are the five ways you can support someone who is being harassed: distract, delegate, document, delay, direct. You don’t have to do all five — just pick the one that works for your comfort and the situation.
You don’t have to figure this out alone. The 5Ds are based on years of research, testing, and refinement. Whatever you are preparing for, it’s good to consider real-world experience from researchers, peers, or mentors.
Find a safe space to rehearse what you’ve learned. Whether you are speaking to yourself in the mirror or attending a workshop with dozens of people, practice is how you convert knowledge into skills.
Practice is how you go from thinking you can handle a difficult moment to seeing yourself do it; it’s the empowering part.
As Pelé said, “Everything is practice”.
As a leader dedicating your life to helping others, “doing good” is part of your moral code, part of your identity. To do good well, and to support others in the ways they want to receive support, we need to be constantly learning, and constantly practicing.
Bystander Intervention training is one example of many opportunities to develop skills and practicing acting in ways that support your values.
What challenges await you? What practices will you prepare?
As workplace or community leaders and role models, we have many, many opportunities to be positive examples for others in our environment to follow … it just takes a little practice.
We chose Right to Be and harassment to illustrate bystander training because harassment is on the rise.
From escalating violence overseas to intensifying racial, political, and gender-based conflict in our daily lives, most people are witnesses to harassment. The nonprofit, social impact, and caring sectors are particularly hard-hit given the nature of our work.
Teachers in Canada are reporting shocking levels of violence and harassment. In the House of Commons, workplace complaints have doubled. Health care workers dealt with public vitriol during pandemic, on top of chronic exposure to sexual harassment and violence. We’ve already written about the fact that 76% of nonprofit fundraisers have experienced sexual harassment, and encourage consulting that article if it speaks to you.
Escalating harassment is everywhere, if you’re affected by it you may be heartened to know there are things you can do.
If there is another challenge, worrisome trend, or difficult conversation that you think we should write about, send us a note. We’re always looking for topics that resonate with you and other readers.
If you encounter harassment as a bystander, we encourage you to follow the training model of the 5D’s of intervention: not all need to be used, but one may be right for you:
Focus on the person being harassed. Distract them from what’s happening by asking them an unrelated question (like asking for directions), pretending to know them, or moving to a position that shields them from view.
Ask someone for assistance. This could be a friend, another bystander, your HR department, or a person in a position of authority. (In general, don’t delegate to law enforcement without the person’s consent)
Record what you see. This is particularly helpful when someone else is already doing one of the other 5Ds. Don’t distribute your documentation without consent from the person being harassed.
You might not be able to act in the moment, but you can still help someone after the fact. Speak to them. Ask them if they are okay or need assistance. Offer to escort them somewhere. Share your documentation with them.
You should only directly engage if you and those around you are safe, if it’s clear that the person being harassed would appreciate the intervention, and it is unlikely your intervention will make things worse.
Your positionality (Is this a workplace? Are you running a meeting, or is this on the street?) may effect this. You may call out the behaviour, tell the person to stop, or indicate that you (and others) are paying attention.
Q: How do I … rise to a difficult moment?
A: Consult Right to Be’s anti-harassment and equity resources, including the 5D’s.
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